Surfaces, part two: The Dining Table
A case for setting the table and setting it often
January might logistically be the least relevant month to write about setting a table – no major holiday tablescapes are needed, no especially seasonal vibes to convey. However, if January is the time for wintering and reflection, then what a perfect time to reconsider the time of day that acts as a pause for our families: our mealtimes. While I love to host a formal dinner party (probably more than most), the mealtimes we share with our loved ones on a continual basis are the ones that actually shape our lives and form the habits and impressions that leave our children feeling more secure in their place in the world.
As a mother of five, yes, I know schedules are busier than ever. It’s difficult to line up the timing of coming and going from work and sports and homework to get everyone actually sitting down at the same time – so much so that many dining tables have been abandoned for the kitchen bar where kids can simultaneously eat, do homework, and watch TV while parents stand at the counter and serve before they rush out the door to the next thing.
But today’s rush and constant competition for our attention is what makes the family table even more important. I’ll spare you the in-depth statistics concerning families that consistently share family meals, but they include fewer behavioral problems in children, lower rates of depression, anxiety, and substance abuse in adolescents, healthier dietary habits, and even improved maternal mental health.
This time together – no technology, all facing each other, all still for a moment - is a moment to pause. Why are pauses important? For someone who enjoys working on multiple projects at once and is always dreaming about the possibilities of the future, anything that doesn’t involve forward motion does not come naturally to me. We hear so much about “being present” in the moment, but it has helped me to think of it more in the sense of pausing. When we pause, we are able to really see what is around us. Not looking forward, not looking back. But looking right at what is in front of us.
Pausing at the dinner table is looking at your children right in their eyes and hearing them as they go around and say their “highs and lows” or noticing they seem a little more quiet than usual or just seeing them push their peas around their plate. It’s a bit of a check-in time. How are we all doing? Is there someone that needs to be especially celebrated for the A they finally made in math? Is there someone that needs a little extra encouragement about the friend that hurt their feelings today at recess? Are there two siblings that are feeling especially contentious with each other?
It’s a time to look across the table at your spouse that, even if they’ve been on your nerves all day, you’re pausing and looking around in the candlelight at this little tribe you made together and just feeling really thankful. It is a consistent, steady moment in our inconsistent, always changing world. It is a safe place to share, a ritual that cannot be replaced.
Below in the Practicalities section, I’ve outlined what our weekly family mealtimes look like: frequency, timing, recipes, how to facilitate meaningful conversation at the table, parenting at the table through different ages, etc.
